I'd been avoiding gatherings like this for a while.

It wasn't just the face.

It was also the dysautonomia.

Lots of people talking at once.

The noise.

Standing for a long stretch.

Holding a conversation.

All of that sets it off. I've written about that before.

So when people invited me, most of the time I didn't go.

It was easier not to risk it.

This time it was different.

The gathering

It was my sister's birthday.

About fifteen people.

Friends of hers. People I didn't know that well.

The kind of thing that used to make me think twice.

Or just not go at all.

I went in with a plan. Without making too big a deal of it.

I brought electrolytes.

I had three beers — something I normally wouldn't even consider, since one alone is usually enough to make me dizzy.

It didn't hit.

What I think made the difference

It wasn't just the body.

It was also how I showed up.

I was relaxed. I wasn't spending the whole time monitoring whether my face was giving anything away. I didn't cover it.

I talked. I made friends. I let the night move without calculating every moment.

I know stress is one of my strongest triggers.

Maybe that was exactly the combination: less social stress, electrolytes on time, pacing the alcohol.

I don't know if it's the exact formula.

But this time it worked.

What I'm taking from it

I don't think this means it's "gone."

Or that it will never happen at a gathering again.

That's not how it works.

But it is the first time I have concrete evidence that I can prepare for something like this, instead of just avoiding it.

That changes the question.

It's no longer: do I go or not, in case it hits?

It's more like: what do I need to bring, and how do I need to show up, for going to be worth it?

I still don't feel at ease socially at that kind of event. I still get nervous there, thinking I'm going to say something dumb.

But that's a different subject. For another day.

For now, I'll take this:

the next gathering I get invited to, I already know a little better how to prepare.